Chapter Eight: Namaste

“No, he didn’t,” Jake laughed in a raised voice.

I walked out the front door and saw Jake and Landen in deep laughter mode. I shooed Shoned off one of the Adirondack chairs that she wasn’t suppose to be curled up on. It still baffled me how she was able to get into the chairs in the first place, much less adjust herself comfortably into them.

“Who didn’t do what?” I asked them.

“Landen was telling me about the time that you two were in Paris and you asked the waiter in your most serious French accent if he knew the way to San Jose,” Jake replied, through laughter.

“Are you even old enough to appreciate that song?” I asked.

“Are you?” he responded laughing. “You aren’t that much older than I am.”

“I…I have ten years on you,” I said, taken aback.

“Ten years isn’t that long,” Jake replied.

“When you’re 27,” I started, “you’re going to be mad at the world.”

“You aren’t.”

“No…well…” I was struggling to find the perfect come back. Landen was merely leaning up against the rake, smiling. “Well…that’s because my boyfriend’s hot.” I drank my coffee as Landen and Jake laughed. “Jake, about last week…”

“It’s cool,” he assured me. “I told you that last week, remember?”

“Yeah, but,” I started. Landen looked at me and then averted his eyes with a slight head shaking.

“It’s really cool,” Jake repeated. “We’re cool.”

“You’re referring to…” I gestured between us.

“Yes,” he laughed. “Don’t worry.”

“Ok…cool. So what’s he making you do today?” I asked, nodding at Landen as I leaned over the porch railing.

“Clean the house naked,” Jake quickly replied. He and Landen laughed.

“Ew,” was all I could muster.

“He’s going to have lunch with us,” Landen said, smiling at me.

“Alright, cool,” I responded. There was a little pause as they started working again. “Are we having lunch?” I finally asked after taking a drink of coffee. Landen smiled up at me. I responded, slightly shocked. “Oh, I’m making it?”

“Please?” Landen asked, smiling even brighter. “Or you could finish raking the leaves.” Jake looked up at me.

“Lunch it is.” I boldly gesticulated with my free hand. “What time will you boys be ready for this lunch I seem to be making?”

“Noonish?” I think that Landen was more asking Jake than me.

“That’ll work,” he replied.

“Well, then I’m going to go,” I started, “and make the most spectacular…”

“Sandwiches will be fine,” Landen interrupted.

“…sandwiches you’ve ever seen,” I changed mid-sentence. “I think I’m going to grade some papers until lunch.”

"Ok,” Landen said.

“Hey, Bannon,” Jake called.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Do you have a student named Tom Pollack?”

“Mid-height? Football player? Beefy? Kinda grunts his sentences?”

“Shit for brains?” Jake finished. Landen and I were both shocked by his language. “That’s the one.”

“Yes,” I said, shaking my head with a smile. “I have him.”

“Fail him,” Jake replied frankly. “He’s a bastard.” Landen laughed. I looked at him, my eyes wide.

“On that note,” I replied, not quite knowing what else to say. “I’m going to go. I’ll have lunch ready around noon.” I turned on my heels, whistled a quick whistle, and walked through the front door. Shoned bounded behind me.

“I love you,” Landen called after me.

I sounded two kisses and waved back with both hands as I walked through the door, letting it close behind me.

The couple hours before lunch were rather uneventful. The occasional laughter or other assorted noise from the front lawn had distracted Shoned, forcing me to finally let her out again. I watched her zip between Landen and Jake’s legs as they tried to do yard work. My eyes then drifted up Landen’s body since he had taken his shirt off after about an hour of work. They had both been inside the house numerous times to go to the bathroom or get a drink or something of that nature. Landen had informed me the last time he’d come in to get some water that he really like Jake. Jake’s conversations with me were rather short, in duration, not in attitude. He seemed like a nice enough boy, and didn’t seem to hold any hard feelings towards last week’s episode. But we also didn’t really talk about that incident. As I was creating a beautiful spread of bread, meat, cheeses, vegetables and condiments, Jake and Landen came into the kitchen chattering about trimming the tree or cutting branches or something like that.

“You two are early,” I said.

“We reached a breaking point,” Landen replied. I swatted his hand as he reached for a piece of turkey.

“I don’t think so,” I said, grimacing at the sweat and dirt that got on my fingers. “Are you guys working anymore today?”

Jake looked at Landen.

“I doubt it,” Landen decided on the spot.

“Good,” I responded. “Then you two can go shower. Jake there are two spare towels in the guest bathroom, soap and shampoo is already there. I also laid out some clothes that I thought you would fit into. If you wear a medium, I just bought Landen some new boxer briefs that he hasn’t opened yet. You’re more than welcome to take a pair of that. I can always get him more.”

I paused and saw both Landen and Jake looking at me. I watched Shoned tilt her head, apparently questioning what I was saying. “What?” I questioned.

“Did you put anything out for me?” Landen asked.

“Not clothes related,” I responded. “Is there a problem?”

“No,” they replied in unison.

“So why are you standing here? Go shower. Landen, dear, give Jake some underwear.” Jake scowled. “It’s brand new and never been worn. Don’t get your panties bunched up over it. What? You’re getting a free pair of boxer briefs out of this. And not cheap ones, I might add.” They both stood looking at me. “We’re not eating until you two go shower. I don’t like the smell of sweat, unless it’s Landen.”

“But…” Landen started.

I raised my left index finger, covering my right ear with my hand. “Bbbbbbb. No ‘buts’. Showers. Now.” I stressed the “Now.”

Jake and Landen scrambled out of the kitchen and up the backstairs. Landen slipped on the hardwood floors and barely managed to support himself so he didn’t crash into the stair railing. I stood at the kitchen island shaking my head. “He gets that from you,” I tell Shoned as I get back to sandwich spread making. She laid down and yodeled quietly.

Jake was the first one down kind of tugging at the shirt. “It’s a little tight.”

“You could wear one of Landen’s,” I replied. “They tend to be broader in the shoulder and chest areas.”

“What do you want me to do with the dirty clothes?”

I opened the door to the basement. “If you can wait for them to get cleaned, throw them down there and I’ll wash them while you two are eating lunch.”

“You’re not eating lunch with us?” Landen said walking down the stairs, pulling a t-shirt on over his head. Jake had already thrown the clothes down the stairs.

“I can take two minutes out to start laundry since I made Jake change. Stop pulling on the shirt please.” Jake immediately stopped and looked down at the floor.

“Looks great, Ban,” Landen said nodding at the kitchen island that I had covered with the sandwich materials. “Cute shirt, Jake, Namasté.” he continued, winking and giving his Landen smile.

“Thanks,” Jake replied. “Er, thank Bannon, I guess. It’s a tad tight…” He began playing with it a little, thinking I wouldn’t notice.

“Nah,” Landen answered. “Looks fine. We wear them tight nowadays.” Jake immediately stopped fiddling with the shirt. “Do you know what it means? Namasté?”

“No, I’ve never even heard of it,” Jake said.

“It’s an Indian expression,” Landen explained. “As literal as I know, it means that I honor the spirit that is in you that is also in me. Shortened, it means that I view you as me equal.”

“That’s awesome,” Jake said, looking down at the shirt. “Thank you, Bannon.”

“No problem,” I replied. “They were actually given to us when we were in India.”

“We took it as quite an honor to receive them,” Landen added.

“Absolutely,” Jake agreed.

“Enough of this talk,” I said. “Let’s eat.”

Jake began moving to get a plate.

“Whoa, we have to pray first,” Landen said, stopping him. Jake looked at him, shocked. “Don’t you pray before a meal?”

“Usually only at dinner,” Jake responded.

“Would you like to lead our prayer?” I asked him.

“We just do a simple little prayer,” Jake replied.

“That’s alright,” Landen told him. “It’s just important that we give thanks for what we have. If you don’t want to, we’ll understand.”

“No, I can do it,” Jake said. We took each others hands and bowed our heads. “We fold our hands, and softly say, thank you God for this food today. Amen.”

“Amen,” Landen and I both said together.

“Thank you,” I continued. “Now you may eat. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start Jake’s laundry. But you two can start, I’ll be back up in a minute.”

After kissing Landen, I walked down to the basement as they began to make themselves sandwiches. Shoned got up and walked to the top of the stairs, watching me descend them. She started panting and bouncing off of her front legs when I started coming back up. Landen and Jake were already eating at the kitchen table when I came back into the kitchen. “Do either of you want a drink?”

“Milk’s fine,” Landen said. “Thanks, Love.”

“Jake? We don’t have much: water, milk, Coke, Sprite, Ginger Ale and Root Beer.”

“Water’s fine,” he replied.

I poured two glasses of milk and a water and slid in next to Landen.

Chapter Seven: Skipping Out

“Nice angel,” Jake said, of the carved Abraham sacrificing Isaac statue we kept on our fireplace mantle. Although a wooden statue is probably not the best object to have over a fireplace, nothing, knock on wood, has happened to it yet.

“Hmm?” Landen replied. “Oh, archangel, actually. Metatron to be exact. He wrestled Jacob, led the Jews through the wilderness, and stayed Abraham’s hand,” Landen said, nodding to the statue.

“Landen carved it for Christmas one year,” I boasted. Landen smiled shyly.

“It’s beautiful.” Jake ran his fingers over the archangel’s wing span. “Cherry?”

“Yeah,” Landen answered. “How’d you know? I don’t see you as woody type of person.” I stifled a laugh.

“Boy Scouts carving merit badge. I know a thing or two about woods.”

“I bet you do, at that,” I replied, not able to help myself.


“I could never make anything this beautiful, though,” Jake continued, either not getting or choosing to ignore my comment.

“So, that’s the house,” Landen said, sweeping his arms broadly. He clearly got the jab and was quickly trying to change the subject.

“It’s awesome,” Jake replied. “I especially like the two treadmills next to each other in the basement.”

“Like that, do you?” Landen gave a little laugh. “It’s easier to run together.”

“When we actually have time to run together,” I said, finishing the sentence.

“See, I don’t picture you running,” Jake said.

Landen and I both looked at each other. Our eyebrows raised in unison.

“I see Landen running,” he began to explain. “But Bannon, you’re just, that is, you don’t seem…”

“Now this is where you have to be careful what you say,” I told him.

Jake suddenly turned a shade of red that I didn’t think was possible in humans. “Well, I, oh, I didn’t, well, it’s just…”

“Yes,” I asked.

“Bannon,” Landen said softly. “You’re frightening the poor boy.”

I smirked slightly.

“No, it’s just that Landen seems more athletically conscience than you do.”

“And what does that mean?” I asked.

“Well, he’s just…”

“Uber-butch?” I finished the sentence after a brief pause.

“I didn’t say that,” Jake quickly retorted.

“No,” I conceded. “But you wanted to.”

“No,” Jake assured me.

“It’s ok,” I said. “He is uber-butch. And I’m beyond nelly.”

“Don’t go there, Ban,” Landen whispered to me.

“What?” Jake asked, obviously very confused.

“Don’t you worry,” I assured him. “We’ll teach everything you need to know.”

“About what?” Jake questioned.

“About being…” I paused. “You know.”

“Bannon,” Landen said, almost sternly. “What?” I mouthed him.

“Someone had to brooch the topic,” I finally said after a brief pause from all three of us.

“Bannon is under a certain impression of you,” Landen explained.

“And what is that?” Jake asked, knowingly.

“Well, he thinks,” Landen began, carefully placing each word. Jake simply looked at him.

“Oh, we’re all family here,” I finally said. “I think you’re gay.” Landen looked as if he was trying to distance himself from my thoughts. His eyes were closed and his head was slightly turned away.

“And what would possibly make you think that?” Jake asked, after a brief pause.

“Well, is it true?” I replied. There was a pause.

Jake looked at Landen, who smiled warmly back. Jake turned and looked at me. “Maybe,” Jake finally said. “Not that it’s any of your business.” Jake seemed slightly angered.

“It isn’t our business,” Landen said, “you’re right.”

“We’re just concerned,” I added.

“Doesn’t sound like you’re concerned,” Jake said, sharply. “It sounds gossipy. Did someone out you?”

“First of all,” I began, very defensively.

“Ban,” Landen stopped me sternly. He spoke to Jake much more lovingly. “We’re not trying to get gossip from you, Jake. But we are concerned.”

“Why?” Jake snapped back.

“Because we’ve, well, if you are gay, we’ve been there.” Landen explained. “We know what you’re going through. We know all about the loneliness and isolation and despair and self-hatred that you’re probably feeling.”

“Well, I’m not feeling any of that,” Jake replied. “So thanks for the concern, but no thanks. I don’t need it.”

“That didn’t answer…”

“Leave it, Ban,” Landen calmly said to me.

“And what gives you the right to talk to someone like that?”

“What?” I asked.

“You just say whatever you want? Whenever you want?” Jake was speaking firmly, bordering on anger. “You don’t care about how you make other people feel, do you? Just as long as Bannon gets what he wants out of it, right?”

“Jake,” Landen remained very calm.

“What?”

“Bannon didn’t want to hurt your feelings or make you upset.” Landen explained. “He only wanted to know.”

“Why does it matter?” Jake asked. “Who cares who I’m attracted to or want to sleep with or jack off to? Who fucking cares?”

“We do.” It came out of my mouth very calmly and, if I must say, very concerning.

“Why?” Jake was very defensive. “So you can tell all your little gay friends?”

“Yes,” I replied sardonically, “because that’s all we talk about.”

“Bannon,” Landen’s voice was stern. I looked at him and his eyes looked differently than I had ever noticed them. They were imploring. He turned and looked at Jake. “We’re not the enemies here.”

There was a long pause.

“I know,” Jake finally said. “I just was expecting to be outed. How could you ever know that? I never told anyone. No one. How could you know? I just served you coffee last week.”

“Did you tell yourself?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“That’s enough, sometimes,” I replied. “And we didn’t out you. I simply asked you a question. A questioned that would have been answered around two people that are obviously gay. We won’t tell anyone.”

“Never thought you would,” Jake said. Landen put his arm around Jake and led him into the living room. Landen and I sat on the couch while Jake sat on one of the other chairs. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Landen asked.

“Snapping, getting angry, yelling, take your pick.”

“It’s cool,” I answered.

“Bannon can be uncouth at times,” Landen explained. “He doesn’t always know or respect boundaries.”

“Sitting right here,” I commented.

“Is…is that why you ‘bought’ me?” Jaked asked. “Because I’m…gay?”

“Partly,” Landen answered. I was nodding my head.

“So you weren’t really interested in making me do anything?”

I laughed. Landen shot me a glance and replied, “Well, if it isn’t going to be a problem, we’d still like you to do some stuff for us. We did pay five hundred dollars for you.”

“I guess I can still work for you,” Jake answered. “Do you think other people know?”

“I’m sure some do,” Landen responded.

“Does it matter?” I asked.

Jake looked at me. “I don’t know,” he finally replied. “I guess not. Maybe. I’m still in high school, people aren’t necessarily forgiving of that.”

“Some are. Those who really care about you probably don’t care,” Landen assured him.

“And they probably already know,” I added.

“Really?”

“You’d be surprised who already knows,” I told him.

“I’ve barely told myself,” Jake said, seemingly more to himself than to Landen or I
. “Why did you really ask me?”

“What?” Landen and I asked in unison.

“Why did you really ask me?” Jake repeated. “What purpose could it serve either of you?”

“It doesn’t serve us any purpose,” Landen assured him.

“You were willing to pay five hundred dollars for me.”

“Well,” Landen began, “Bannon was willing to pay five hundred dollars for you.”

“Huh?” Jake asked confused. “So you didn’t really want me.”

“I don’t necessarily view things the same way as Bannon,” Landen explained. “He saw a greater purpose to buying your services…”

“That sounds dirty,” Jake interjected.

“We’re aware of that,” Landen replied, and continued. “But we were willing to give five hundred dollars to a worthy cause, possibly provide you with, I don’t know, some support or something, and show you that you’re not alone.”

“And beat Adam,” I threw in.

“And beat Adam,” Landen concurred.

Jake laughed for the first time since I asked him if he was gay. “Yeah, he can be a dick.”

Landen and I chuckled. “That he can be,” Landen replied.

“I don’t want this.” Jake said after a long pause. He was looking down.

“Few of us did,” Landen answered.

“But we have it,” I continued. “And it’s not really our choice.”

“I spent years trying to deny it, trying to push it down, trying, I don’t know, something.”

“I’d imagine that almost every gay man or woman has been there at some point,” Landen promised him.

“Now it’s just up to you to figure out what you’re going to do with it,” I told Jake.

“What do you mean?”

Well, a lot of gay people, gay men specifically,” Landen began explaining, “never really accept it and as a result spend their lives in misery because they’re denying who they really are and the way God made them.”

“And the others?” Jake sounded worried.

“We’re happy.” Landen instinctively held my hand as I said this.

“It’s not an easy road,” Landen continued. “Although once you’ve really admitted it to yourself, I think it gets easier.”

“But I have to tell others?”

“Usually,” Landen said, smiling.

“What if people stop talking to me? Or beat me up or worse?”

“That’s part of the burden, unfortunately,” I told him. “It’s so worth it, even to deal with those few people. And for the record, I never got beat up.”

“But people stopped talking to you?” Jake asked.

“No, not really,” I said. Landen shrugged in agreement.

There was a long time where Jake simply looked down at the rug. I shot Landen a glance, and tilted my head at the floor to see if I could find what he was looking at.

“What about my parents?”

“I wouldn’t worry about them,” Landen told him, “at least not yet. If you don’t think they know, I would wait until you’re a little more comfortable. With yourself, and with telling people.”

“Maybe you could tell them.” Jake looked in our eyes.

“No,” Landen quickly said. “That’s not something for us to tell.”

“No one can give you that courage,” I told him. “No one can thicken your skin. That’s all up to you, but I wouldn’t worry about it, at least not yet.”

Shoned bounced into the room with a ball in her mouth. She vigorously shook her head back and forth. She dropped the ball at Jake’s feet and gave a little purrish yodel.

“She wants to play ball with you,” Landen told him.

“I figured as much,” Jake replied, reaching his right hand down to grab the ball.

“She doesn’t play ball with anyone but us,” I said. “It’s quite the compliment.”

“I didn’t realize dogs could be that picky,” Jake responded standing up.

“She lives with two gay men,” I explained. “She’s been raised to be picky.” Landen laughed and Jake smiled.

“You wanna play ball?” Jake looked down at Shoned. She hopped around his legs as he walked through the kitchen and out the back door.

“Well that worked rather well,” I said to Landen. He shook his head at me. “What?”

“You just can’t keep your mouth shut, can you?” He replied with a smile.

“You never usually complain,” I said, leaning forward and kissing him. I winked and turned towards the back door. He smacked my butt as I walked away. I didn’t look back, I knew he was smiling and shaking his head.

Chapter Six: The Preparations

“Good morning, Sunshine,” Landen said as I walked into the kitchen where he was making French toast.

“What time did I fall asleep last night?” I groggily muttered, clearing the sleep from my eyes.

Landen shrugged. “I put you back in bed around 2, but we fell asleep sometime before then.”

“I didn’t get any of my book organizing done,” I replied. Shoned chomped loudly on her breakfast, her tail wagging. “You distracted me.”

“There will be other days. Do you any feel better this morning?” Landen asked.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I guess it’ll always be weird to me and I just have to learn to cope with it.”

Again Landen remained quiet.

“You’d think I could cope with it already…ya know?”

Landen leaned over the counter and kissed me. “I don’t think anyone ever really copes with that stuff.”

“Maybe not.” Shoned had finished eating and was prancing around my feet. “What do you want?” I asked her, scooping her up. I closed my eyes as she licked my face.

“Want some French toast?”

“My favorite,” I responded.

“Why do you think I made it?” Landen replied, winking.

“You’re so good to me,” I said, biting the right side of my lip. Landen was twinkling. “What?”

“What, what?” Landen answered.

“You’re twinkling.”

“No, I’m not…am I?”

“Yes, you are,” I said. “Why?”

“No reason.” I looked knowingly at him. “I just like seeing you when you first wake up.” He put a plate of French toast in front of me as I lowered Shoned to the ground and slid into one of the bar stools.

“Mm, peanut butter and bananas. God, I think I just wet myself.”

Landen smirked and held back a laugh. “Are you going to change before he gets here?” Landen placed a coffee next to my milk glass.

“Before who…ohmigod, I completely forgot.”

“How could you forget,” Landen questioned, “you’ve been so excited all week.”

“See what yesterday does to me?” I pointed out. “What time is he coming?”

“8:30.” Landen began cleaning up the dishes.

“8:30? That only gives me…”

“Almost an hour and a half. I think that’s plenty of time,” Landen said.

“You think that’s plenty of time?” I asked. “I have to finish eating, shower, prepare…”

“Prepare what?” Landen turned around from the sink to look at me.

I paused. “Me,” I finally answered.

Landen stumbled for words. “What?” was all he could finally muster.

“I have to prepare myself mentally, emotionally, physically.” I was waving my hand over my facing, gesticulating like a deaf man using sign language.

“It’s not a date,” Landen reminded me. “He’s 17, and he’s coming to work on our house because you wanted to spend five hundred dollars on him.”

“We did not spend five hundred on him,” I pointedly said. “We donated five hundred to the Youth group.” Landen raised his eyebrows. “He’s just an added bonus.”

“Okay,” Landen conceded. I continued eating as Landen continued cleaning the dishes. When everything was either clean or in the dishwasher he turned around. “What if you’re wrong?”

“What?” I almost fell out of my chair responding. “About what?” I squinted at Landen.

“Him being gay.”

I laughed, or chuckled, or something. “My darling,” I began, “as you told Ben, I can smell gay three miles away.”

“Yes,” Landen began. “But he’s young. You coulda just misread.”

“I could have,” I mused. “But I don’t think so.” I rinsed my plate in the sink and put it in the dishwasher.

“You seem so sure of yourself.”

“Well, I could tell he wanted to jump your bones. Oh, don’t look so shocked,” I said, hugging him from behind. “Who wouldn’t want to jump your bones?”

“You’re so vulgar, sometimes.”

I kissed his ear. “Does it bother you?”

He turned in my arms. “Nah,” he replied, kissing me. “Now, go change.” He smacked me on the butt as he said this.

“What? I’m too dirty for you?”

“You’re the one who said you needed to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically.” Landen moved towards the sliding door and let Shoned dart out into the backyard.

“You should prepare yourself too,” I said, taking a swig of coffee.

“Why?” Landen asked laughing.

“This could be a defining moment in his life.”

Landen turned and looked at me. Clearly confused. “How do you figure?”

“Well, think about it,” I replied.

“I’m trying to.”

“What was your first thought of being gay?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“What was your first thought of society’s view of homosexuality?” I reworded.

“That they didn’t like it,” he answered.

“And where did that come from?”

“Donahue,” he stated. “There were some ‘preachers’ on it that were stating how God hated gays and that they were sexual deviants.”

We looked at each other for a couple seconds. Both thinking: me of a response, Landen in general.

“I never really thought about it until now,” Landen finally said, his arms crossed. His brow was furrowed and he was biting his lower left lip. “Ancient scarring. My first thought of who I am was negative. How did that affect me? Affect others? God, people like that must seriously fuck kids up. And how do we reach the point where we realize that they’re wrong? That we are okay, and there is more to what they’re saying than just…I don’t know, whatever is fueling their tirade. It’s just hatred, or fear, or something that’s…that isn’t God. How do we heal that? How does one even begin to heal that?”

“I don’t think everyone can heal such things.” Landen and I looked at each other. “It’s a deep scar that has torn through the skin and ripped the soul. We’re left with an emptiness trying to rebuild itself, trying to close the gap and return to normalcy or join normalcy for the first time. Trying to accept ourselves in a culture that condemns us. And I don’t think it always works.”

“So we’re the lucky ones,” Landen said, somewhere between a statement and a question.

“Yeah,” I replied. Half-smiling at him. “Yeah, we’re the lucky ones.”

“And that’s why it’s so important to you?” Landen asked. “All kidding aside, help him heal.”

“Don’t you think we should? I mean isn’t that our job?” I responded. “We’re family. Whether we want to be, or agree with everyone, or even like everyone. We’re a community and family and it’s our job as the big brother figure to make sure the younger ones are okay. Make sure they’re taken care of. Healed.”

“It guess it does take a village.”

“Yes Hil, it does,” I replied, laughing. “In all seriousness though, he needs to know and understand that who he is, is okay. That he’s not a bad person and he’s not destined to Hell. And that’s what I meant by a defining moment. Shoned wants to be let in,” I finished, swallowing the last of my coffee and walking to the dishwasher to put away my mug.

Shoned bounded in and peeked into the dishwasher as I was shutting the door. “Nosy little mutt,” I said more to myself than her. She tilted her head and looked at me.

“Are you going to change?” I furrowed my brow and looked at Landen. “Your clothes,” he amended.

“What, this isn’t good enough.” I spread out my arms.

“I have no problem with it,” Landen said. “I just thought that you were so determined to change your clothes.”

“I’m thinking of going with the hot shorts and silk robe.”

“Oh yeah,” Landen replied. “That’d be hot.”

“I thought so.”

“He’d definitely know we were gay if he saw you in that,” Landen laughed.

“We need to show off our pride, right?” I smiled, broadly.

“Absolutely,” Landen answered.

“Alright,” I finally conceded. “I’ll go change.”

“You don’t have to,” Landen insisted. “It’s not like you’re going to be doing work to ruin that robe.”

“Have you looked at me this morning?” I replied.

“Yeah,” Landen said. “You look fine.”

“You have to say that. I look like a hung over sorority girl on the walk of shame back to her dorm,” I responded, walking towards the stairs.

Chapter Five: Bedtime, Or Sometime Thereabouts

“What are we going to make him do?” It was almost a week after the Youth Service Auction and Jake, he had corrected our use of Jacob the following day in church, was arriving tomorrow morning to pay off his debt. As I speculated, Adam was pissed. Not so much because he wouldn’t get the use of Jake’s services, but more because we had won. Landen and I were lying in bed, both having given up on reading the books we had on our bedside tables.

“I don’t know,” Landen responded, pulling me closer to his warmth. “I hadn’t really thought about it yet.”

“There must be some housework to be done, there are always more leaves to rake.” I tilted my head to look into his eyes.

“I’m sure we’ll find something for him to do.” Landen kissed the top of my head. “I could always have him put the molding up that you said you’d help me with.”

“Would that mean that I wouldn’t have to do it?”

“That’s what it would imply,” he smiled.

“Sounds perfect.”

“I’ll never understand why you hate doing housework.” I looked up at him. “You’ve been doing it for years, you know what you’re doing and you’re good at it.”

“It’s the dirt,” I responded honestly. “Not a big fan of dirty hands.”

“So I always have to be dirty?”


“But it looks so sexy on you.” I curled up closer to him.

He kissed the top of my head. Shoned rolled onto her back, which, as I’ve heard, is a sign that she feels comfortable in our presence. I guess dogs don’t do this in the wild because they always have to be on alert, or something like that.

“Do you think his parents know?” I said, breaking the silence.

“Know what?”

I tilted my head to look in his eyes. “That he’s…” I raised my eyebrows for emphasis.

“What?”

“Gay.”

“I don’t know,” Landen replied.

“I know you don’t know. What do you think?” I asked again.

“He’s what…17?” Landen thought out loud. “Probably not. He might not even know.”

“That’s a bummer,” I replied, reverting my eyes back to the ceiling.

“It isn’t like he’s a super queen.”

“Mm.” Another pause. “You think they know about us?”

“I would hope so,” he said, running his hand through my hair. “They’d be kinda blind not to.”

“We’re not super queens, either.” I could feel him looking at me. “Well…you’re not. You’re like this super uber-butch.”

He laughed. “Uber-butch?”

“Okay, maybe not uber, but totally butch.”

“You can’t retro-clarify a statement like that.”

“Do you think you’re uber-butch?” I questioned.

“Maybe.” I shot him an extended glance. “Clearly you do.”

“Clearly not, or I wouldn’t have retro-clarified,” I responded, smirking at him.

“Oh, I see. Now I’m beyond nelly?”

“I didn’t say that,” I retorted.

“Hmm.”

Insert dramatic pause. I pulled myself closer to him.

“I was thinking basic house cleaning,” Landen finally said.

“What?”

“I said, ‘I was thinking basic house cleaning.’”

“Yes, I heard you,” I replied. “I just didn’t quite understand the digression. We were talking about butchness.”

“I know,” he responded. “I thought we were done so I was answering your previous question.”

“But I had switched topics.”

“So I switched them back.” Landen smiled at me.

“Fine, we’ll discuss it later.” Landen chuckled. “Basic house cleaning? Why not house work? You know, stuff I don’t ever want to do.”

“Like house cleaning?”

“Right…no…you tricked me.”

“Not on purpose,” Landen said.

“You cornered me in,” I fake-pouted, “like a scared king in Chess.” There was a slight pause. I squinted up at Landen. “Don’t even say it.”

“Wasn’t going to.”

“I could hear you thinking it.” He kissed the top of my head again.

“I just figured that I could do the house work by myself and this way neither of us would have to do the house cleaning. Why does it matter? Either way you’re getting out of one and possibly both.”

“It’s the lesser of two evils,” I replied. “Revert to my previous statement about dirty hands.”

“So you’d rather clean the house?”

“No,” I said. “I’d rather he cleaned the house and did the house handy work. And this way you get out of having to do the handy work.” I smiled a broad smile.

“You’d trust him to do the manual labor on this house without my supervision?”

“You can still supervise him. Or I could supervise him. Either way would work. We have to get our five hundred dollars worth.”

There was a long pause. Shoned had slipped into sleep, her breathing becoming longer and slightly more pronounced, as it does when she’s sleeping. Landen’s hold on me had slightly loosened. I continued laying there, awake, inhaling Landen’s scent and running my fingers lightly over the parts of his chest that weren’t covered by blankets.

“Are you still awake?” I finally asked.

He responded with a low, soft “hmm.”

“How pissed was Adam?”

“Uh huh,” was all Landen said. In retrospect, it was pretty clear that he was only bordering on being awake.

“And I mean like P-I-S-E-D’d pissed.”

Another verbal, but not actual word response.

“Why do you think he hates us so much?”

“Mm huh. Yup.”

I tilted my head upwards. “How did that response make any sense to you? Landen?” I waited for some sort of response. “Landen,” I whispered. He gave a little grunt.

I carefully snuck out of bed. Trying not to move his arm too much I wiggled my way towards the foot of the bed, and rolled myself near the edge once I was out of his arm. Sitting up, a little exhausted after all that work, I grabbed my bathroom, a Westin terrycloth bathroom that Landen had bought for me on one of our San Diego trips, and wrapped it around myself. Knowing Nancy Walker, not that I actually did, she’d probably be standing outside my window being all lurpy. I delicately tiptoed over Shoned, who rolled over right as I was stepping over her. I crept out of the bedroom door and walked into one of the spare bedrooms. I closed the door and turned the lights on low. I insisted that the lights be adjustable, a task that took Landen longer than either of us thought would be the case.

Since we had moved in about a year ago, Landen and I had been slowly transforming this room into a library. We, and by “we,” I mean Landen, had finished painting the room a beautiful textured burgundy color. The room had the smell of relatively new paint, but not so new that you felt you were going to asphyxiate. Just last week he had put a couch and the bookshelves in. Remember, I said slowly. This whole week we’ve been moving the books that were scattered on various bookshelves throughout the house and placing them in boxes on the floor of the new library.

Sitting down among the piles I began to organize them according to type and author. Yeah, I’m that anal-retentive about my books. Undecided about how I exactly want them located on the bookshelves, I just place them in small piles by subject and stacked by author’s last name followed by book title. The way any good library or bookstore should do.

“Hello, Pale-Face,” I said quietly as I heard the door creak open.

“What are you doing?” Landen asked, entering the room and closing the door behind him.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I responded. “I thought I’d do some work in here.”

“Something wrong?” Landen sat down behind, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“No,” I said. “Not really. Just…just couldn’t sleep.”

“What’s really the matter?” Landen tightened his grip.

“You smell good,” I replied.

“Oh, now I know something’s wrong,” Landen said, clearly smiling. “It was today, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I replied quietly, leaning back against him. “Twenty years ago. Today.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Landen responded.

“It’s strange,” I thought out loud. “I never really even knew her. I mean, I was seven. But still, ever year on this day, things…are…off. And it’s always hardest at night. I think that confuses me more than anything about it. It’s like, I barely even remember her, and yet, she has this pull on me. It comes in waves. It just hits me, crashes on the shore, to extend the metaphor. No reason, no rhyme. Just there.”

Landen didn’t respond. I could tell he was praying. It’s always so much easier for him to do that. He just lets things go. When nothing makes sense, when people need it, that’s what he does. He kept holding me as I leaned back into him. I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of the books, the paint, and Landen. At some point I fell asleep, maybe we both did. But some time during the night he carried me, I picture it like a prince carrying his sleeping bride, but obviously I wasn’t awake for it, back into bed.

Chapter Four: Shimmy Uptown, Shimmy Downtown

“And so we’re just sitting there.” Caroline and Miranda were listening intently to the story. Landen, Ben and Connor had long since given up on the dramatics of the afternoon’s story. “Well, technically we were standing there. Just kissing. You know, little passionate Willow-Tara kisses, totally not like Tom Cruise Kelly McGillis Top Gun kisses. And this lipstick, in this blue suit skirty thing is standing there with two blahs watching us.”

It was the eating part of the church service auction. The six of us were passing food around, taking the occasional bite. High school students scurried around the floor of the church basement serving drinks and refilling food plates that had run out.

“So you guys were kissing on the front lawn?” Caroline finally asked.

“Yes,” I replied quickly. “But it’s our front lawn, if I wanna make out with my boyfriend on it, I’m totally going to.”


“And you should be,” Miranda chimed in. “Right, Connor.”

“Absolutely,” he responded through a mouth full of lasagna. He turned his head towards Ben. “What were they talking about?”

“No clue,” Ben replied. “Who can actually follow them besides them?”

“Good point,” Connor said through a swallow.

“Only on occasions do I understand when they’re all together,” Landen conceded.

“That’s better than me,” Ben retorted. “I don’t think I can ever understand them. Except on the rare occasions that they speak in normal human tongues.”

“Who does that?” I said, continuing my story. “And Landen begins talking to them, and it’s all uncomfortable, and the blahs are totally freaked out by the fact that they have to talk to two mos and Landen asks them if they have children.”

“That seems harmless enough,” Caroline said.

“Well, when she-blah said no,” I explained, “Landen asked if they were practicing.”

Caroline and Miranda began laughing.

“He didn’t really. Did he?” Miranda asked.

“He did.” I replied. “And I certainly didn’t want to know that fact.”

“Did they answer?” Caroline asked.

“No, thankfully,” I said. “The point is, who watches two people kissing?”

“That woman,” Caroline said as she took a bite out of her breadstick.

“Nancy,” I added, in my snottiest snob voice. There was a pause. “What a fucking dyke.”

“Do you guys need a refill?” There was a high school boy, Tim, standing there with the iced tea pitcher. He looked around the table, alternating between eye contact and staring down at his shoes, or crotch, I couldn’t really tell.

“No thanks,” Landen answered, nudging me.

“Pray for us,” I said.

“If you need anything, let me know,” Tim said as he walked away.

“I think you scared him,” Miranda observed, taking a sip from her cup. She made a little face. “When is this shindig going to start? I need a drink.”

“Don’t say that f-word in church, honey,” Landen whispered.

“Did I?” I acted shocked. “I totally didn’t even think about it.”

“Right,” Landen replied. “Well, let’s try not to use it, kay? Especially in front of a high school student.”

“Not like they don’t use it,” Miranda said looking around, probably looking for a drink. Caroline sat up, she had been leaning against Ben, and reached into her fabric Vera Bradley, which in my opinion looks far more like a picnic basket than a purse. She passed her gin flask across the table.

“Save me some,” she added as Miranda took the flask. Miranda unscrewed the top under the table and tried looking innocent, which, as we all know, never actually makes someone look innocent. She had tucked the flask into her shirt and gracefully, clearly out of years of practice, poured a substantial amount of gin into her iced tea. She swirled her cup as if she were allowing the legs of wine creep down the glass. Miranda inhaled deeply and drank.

“Much better.” Miranda rescrewed the top of the flask and passed it back to Caroline with no discretion whatsoever. “Saved you a bit.”

“Thanks,” Caroline made a lip smacking noise at Miranda. Landen sat there, staring with his eyes wide open.

“Close your mouth, dear,” I said, as I gently pushed his lower jaw up with my left index finger.

“I’ve seen you guys do some crazy sh…stuff in the years I’ve known you,” Landen began. “But I think that this takes the cake.”

Miranda laughed as she brought her glass to her mouth. “If that takes the cake, you haven’t seen anything.” She took a long drink from it. “Too bad it’s not BINGO or I’d have lit a cig by now.”

Everyone laughed, except Landen, who didn’t actually laugh, but shook his head in a way that I could tell he found the whole situation amusing but would refuse to admit it.

Enter Jacob. “Do you guys want some coffee?” All six of us turned and smiled at him. He got real nervous, real fast. He smiled and held up the coffee pot. Landen and I flipped over our cups.

“Is it good?” Landen asked. “Because if it’s good, we’d love some.” He smiled and his eyes glistened and twinkled as if he were winking, which I discovered when I started dating him was one of his tricks of the trade, as it were. It did the trick and the tension in Jacob’s body rushed into the floor.

“I can’t guarantee that it’s any good,” Jacob began, “but I’m sure it’s not that bad. Look at all the people drinking it.”

We looked around and it was true, there were lots of people drinking coffee.

“I noticed that a lot of them were older,” I added. “Maybe their taste buds have expired and they can’t taste it.”

“Possibly,” Jacob responded. “But you’ll never know if you try.”

He had us. Landen and I looked at each other mock seriously. “We’ll go for it.” Landen finally said.

“Excellent choice,” Jacob responded as he poured the coffee into our cups.

“Do you have some tea?” Caroline asked when Jacob had completed pouring our coffee. Jacob looked at her full iced tea glass. “I meant hot tea,” she amended.

“Yeah, just give me a couple minutes,” Jacob responded. Miranda grabbed Jacob by the shirt as he was leaving.

“What time does this auction thingy start?”

“They should be handing out the lists shortly,” he replied. “It should start about five minutes after that.”

“Thanks,” Miranda said, turning back to us. “What lists?”

“I think,” Ben started, “that he means the list of whose ‘selling’ what.”

“You’re zoning,” Landen said to me, bumping me with his coffee-drinking elbow.

“Hmm?” I replied. “He’s gay.”

“What?” everybody said, but Landen. Landen merely looked at me.

“Jacob.” I answered.

“How do you know?” Connor asked, looking around to find Jacob.

“He beeped,” I replied. Landen nodded through a sip of coffee. Caroline was “discreetly” looking for Jacob. And just for the record and clarity, by putting discreetly in quotes implies that she wasn’t discreet at all.

“First of all let’s not all look like we’re trying to…” I would have completed the sentence but Jacob had arrived with Caroline’s hot water and tea bag.

“Thank you so much,” Caroline said, almost too happily.

“You’re welcome.” Jacob scanned the table, looking at us one at a time. Miranda smiled and forced a small wave. “Here are some lists, we’ll be starting in just a moment.”

“Could you guys have been more obvious?” I asked, reaching over Landen to grab a list after Jacob had walked away. I placed it between us. “What are you going to buy me?” I smiled broadly at him.

“I already told you what I’m here for,” Landen said, scanning the list.

“A houseboy?” Caroline asked, with Miranda only a quarter of a second behind, giving a charming echo effect.

“That’s what I said,” I replied laughing.

“No,” was all that Landen could say.

“He’s getting a dog walker,” I said.

“A dog walker?” Ben asked. “Isn’t Shoned use to you guys not being there and holding pee and all that jazz? You’ve had her for three years or something.”

“This is more for when we’re not home,” Landen explained.

“He’s taking me to Paris for Christmas,” I told Caroline and Miranda.

“Why don’t you ever take me to Paris?” Miranda said, gently hitting Connor. Caroline just looked at Ben.

“What?” Ben asked.

“I never get to go to Paris,” Caroline whined.

“I’m not taking him to Paris,” Landen explained after finishing off his coffee. I pouted. “I just thought that it would be good to have someone to take care of Shoned should we ever go somewhere. And if he or she can clean the house, all the better.”

“Yes, because you’re not clean enough,” Caroline said as she dipped her tea bag.

“So it is a houseboy,” Connor clarified.

“No,” Landen stressed. “A houseboy implies nakedness. And a boy. There will be no nakedness and I might just buy a girl.”

All four of them looked at him.

“I said ‘might,’” Landen said.

“I think you should get Jacob,” Miranda said, not looking up from the list she was studying.

“What?” Landen and I asked in unison.

“Oh, yeah,” Caroline interrupted. “It says he cleans, does yard work and other assorted handy things.”

“Handy things?” Ben asked.

“What? I didn’t want to go through the whole list.”

“Yes,” I exclaimed. “I want Jacob.” I smiled even more broadly than I had when asking what Landen was going to buy me.

“You want Jacob?” Landen asked. I nodded. “You sure?” I nodded harder. “Alright, whatever.”

“Why do you want him so bad?” Connor wondered.

“Gay him forward,” I replied, excitedly.

“What?” Ben asked.

“He wants to mold him,” Miranda explained through sips of her drink.

“I don’t understand how you even know for sure,” Ben continued.

“Bannon has the most well-tuned gay-dar in the Western Hemisphere,” Caroline elucidated. I smiled.

“You’ve known us how long,” Landen asked, “and you haven’t figured that out yet?”

“I can smell a queer three miles away,” I added. “Plus his purse all but fell out of his mouth when he spoke.”

“Fifty.” Connor, who had obviously been paying attention to the auction, had just bid on a year of cookies once a month for a year.

“Did we miss it?” I asked.

“What? Jacob? Seventy-five. No, the list says he’s much later.” Connor was determined to win those cookies. Miranda rolled her eyes. “It’s for a good cause,” he reassured Miranda.

“Whatev,” she took a long drink.

“Going once, going twice, sold for seventy-five dollars to Connor Slaghty.”

“Yes,” Connor exclaimed and proceeded to do his “happy dance” which involved both arms going up and down. “Miranda, can I have seventy-five bucks?”

Miranda crossed her eyes and stared deeply at him. “You spent seventy-five dollars and didn’t bring a checkbook?”

“I wasn’t planning on buying them,” Connor explained.

“If you’re going to buy anything,” Caroline was looking at Ben and spelling out the rules. “You’d better have some money to pay for it.”

“Please, honey,” Connor had reached the point of begging.

Miranda tossed her purse on the table. She rolled her eyes as she began looking through it. “Oh, I did bring one of my flasks.” She pulled out a smaller flask with a four-leaf clover on it. “Not sure which one this is. Maybe four shots, clover, I’m guessing whiskey.”

Connor took the purse and had found the checkbook as Miranda opened the top and smelled the contents of the flask. “Yup, whiskey.” She took a quick swig now that everyone had stopped looking at us since a new auction had begun. She washed it down with a sip from her ginned iced tea.

The auction continued rather uneventfully. Ben and Caroline had bought an Indian dinner for eight for two hundred.

“Two more.” I was excitedly tapping Landen on the arm as the auction drew closer and closer to Jacob. “Paris, here I come.” I was dancing in my seat, tongue sticking out. I continued seat dancing until Jacob’s auction started. “Start it off, Landen.”

“The next lot is Jacob Brenner,” the auctioneer, who was one of the youth leaders, began.

“Yes,” I exclaimed a little bit louder than I had wanted. The other five at the table, and a couple random people around the room, looked at me. “Sorry.” I waved, apologetically.

“He cleans,” the auctioneer continued over me. “He also does yard work, knows some basic carpentry. He’s a quick study, so if you need him for something specific, he can learn it. We’ll start the bidding at twenty-five dollars.”

“Twenty-five,” Landen shouted and raised his hand.

“I don’t like to lose,” I whispered in Landen’s ear.

“I know,” he mouthed back.

The next thirty seconds to a minute happened so quickly I wasn’t really sure what had happened. The bidding had quickly increased between Landen and the one person in the church who didn’t like us and was probably only bidding against us for that reason.

“One fifty,” Landen shouted.

“Two,” the guy, Adam, yelled. I tapped Landen on the shoulder.

“Two fifty.”

“Three.” Adam smirked at us.

“Whoa,” the auctioneer said. There was a pause. Landen looked at me. I looked back at him. The other four were looking at us. The six of us turned toward Adam, who was still smirking. Landen ran his tongue over his teeth, a sign of deep thought. He looked back at me. I nodded.

“Five hundred,” he yelled.

Everyone turned and looked at us, especially Adam. It was the highest bid of the night. Adam was thinking, debating with himself as to whether or not go higher. His girlfriend, who had been at the bathroom and had heard the last two bids, clearly did not want him to continue with the bidding. There was a pause as they silently debated with each other. She kept shaking her head.

“Going once,” the auctioneer had begun to end the auction. Adam looked desperate while his girlfriend stood fast. “Going twice, sold to Landen Brinks for five hundred dollars.”

“Yes,” I proclaimed. I shimmied for the whole room, and if I had breasts, they would have been shimming with me. I made sure to focus on Adam, who, I might add, looked pissed.

Chapter Three: The Same, Later That Day

“Well, I for one don’t like them.” I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, watching Landen clean off the sweat and dirt that he’d accumulated while raking the leaves. Shoned was curled up in the doorway on the edge of the carpet. She doesn’t like the granite flooring that we had installed in the bathroom.

“Why not?” Landen asked. “They seemed nice enough.”

“They seemed freaked out.”

“Well, it’s not every day that see two guys making out.” Landen turned and looked at me, the water hitting his back and falling to the floor.

“One doesn’t need to look freaked out by the whole thing. It was just kissing. It wasn’t like I was giving you head on the front lawn.” Landen looked at me through the glass. “I bet it wouldn’t bother them if it was a guy and girl.”

“That’s cultural,” Landen said, applying shampoo. “Maybe they just aren’t use to gays. I’m sure once they moved in they’d get use to us. No one else in the neighborhood minds.”

“But I don’t think they ever minded. So it doesn’t count.”

“I’m never going to win this one, am I,” Landen said, rinsing his hair out.

“Nope.”

“Why do you really not like them?” Landen turned off the shower. I handed him his towel over the shower wall.

“That’s easy,” I replied. Landen looked at me through the creases of the towel. “They don’t like me.”


“You don’t know that.”

“I know they didn’t like two mos kissing,” I ran my hand through my hair. “And you saw that too, I don’t care what you say.”

“That’s no reason not to like them.”

“Plenty of reason in my book.”

“We don’t even know if they’re actually moving in, so let’s worry about that when, and if we get to it, okay?”

“Fine,” I replied. I paused. “I still say that we need a taller fence.”

“I don’t really think that a taller wired fence is going to do anything.”

“Maybe we should a white picket fence. A tall one. Then we really would have a little, cute house, on a little, cute street with a crucifix on the door.” I showed as much teeth as possible. Shoned rolled over on the carpet.

“We already have a little, cute house, on a little, cute street and a crucifix on the inside of the door.” Landen wrapped the towel around his waist and walked into the closet. “How would having an eight foot white picket fence change that?”

It was true. We lived on a little, cute street. We did have a cute house but I wouldn’t call it little. We had a crucifix on the inside of the door. We also had a mezuzah on the doorframe and statues of Shiva and Ganesha from when we were in India. We’re an equal religion household. If there were some Islamic iconology that we knew of, we’d probably have that too.

“If anything,” Landen continued, “I’d think that a huge fence in front of our yard would make the house less cute…or attractive…or whatever. Besides, I think Shoned likes having the wired fence so she can see outside of the yard and realize that it’s better to be protected with us. If there was a huge fence she’d be wondering what was outside the fence and try to escape all the time.”

“If I were a lawyer, and this were a trial…” I followed him into the closet.

“Let me guess, speculation?” Landen smiled. Shoned got up and walked to the door of the closet, looking at us.

“Exactly.” I smiled. Shoned yodeled. Landen laughed.

“I just think that we should be more open minded than them.” Landen looked frankly at me.

“You mean show them that we’re better than them?”

“Yes.” Landen paused. “I mean no.”

“Well now you’re just confusing me,” I added, still smiling.

“My point is, I just don’t think that you’re giving them a chance.” Landen put pants on, underwear first, of course, and walked into the bedroom again. I followed. “So they were a little put off by our public display, they’re just not used to it yet. If you saw them kissing in public I’m sure you would have been far more vocal than they were.”

“That is not true,” I protested.

Landen raised his eyebrows and looked at me. I paused.

“Ok, fine, you’re right, congratulations. Don’t pull out the rainbow boa and throw a whole gay ticker tape parade over it.”

Landen found a shirt from his drawer, the green and brown striped one I got him for his birthday, and pulled it over his head. “Well, Nancy seemed nice.”

“Don’t change the subject,” I retorted. “And yes, I’m sure that she makes a very nice trophy wife.”

“You think she’s a trophy wife?” Landen asked.

“Yes, don’t you?” I responded.

“I hadn’t thought about it,” Landen said. “To who? Like a doctor? Acupuncturist?” He got excited at the prospects.

“I was thinking more along the lines of some super butch uber-dyke who wears leather chaps, drives a hog and uses a whip as her main fashion accessory.”

“Lovely imaginary,” Landen commented.

“Imaginary is the spice of life.” I flailed my hands in the air. “I tell my kids that all the time.”

“Hopefully with as much flair as you just told me,” Landen said, laughing

“What do you mean?”

“You were just very…excited about it, is all.”

“Do you not like me excited?”

“I love you all the time.” He leaned forward and kissed me.

“You can’t say I love you to end a fight,” I pouted. “That’s cheating.”

“I didn’t realize we were fighting,” Landen responded.

“You know what I mean.”

Shoned yodeled.

“What do you want?” I asked.

She pawed the floor with her feet, and gently head butted my leg.

“I swear this dog has to pee more than my incontinent grandmother.” Landen said. “You were just outside for like three hours.”
She hopped up at the mention of outside and headed towards the bedroom door. We, reluctantly, followed after her.

“What time are we meeting Caroline and Miranda tonight?” Landen asked as we walked out of the room.

“We’re meeting Caroline and Miranda tonight?”

Landen looked at me, confused. “Yes. And Benjamin. And Connor. It’s the Youth Service Auction and Dinner at church tonight. And they’re meeting us there. Remember?”

“Absolutely,” I said. I paused and thought. “No clue what you’re talking about. That thing’s tonight?”

“Yes,” he replied. “It’s even on the calendar.”

“We have a calendar?”

He shot me a glance. I smiled showing more teeth than I thought possible. Landen shook his head.

“Oh, are we buying a house boy?” I asked.

“No,” Landen replied laughing. “Why do we need a house boy?”

“To…clean.” I said, more as a question than a statement.

“I want to find someone to watch Shoned. You know, while we’re at work or on a trip.” Shoned bounded back to us at the sound of her name.

I bent down and scratched her head. “We’re going on a trip? Oh my god, you’re taking me to Paris for Christmas?”

“What?” Landen asked. “Where’d you get that idea?”

“You said you were looking for someone to watch Shoned while we were on vacation. I just thought that we would be taking one.”

“Well, someday. But Paris…for Christmas?”

“We haven’t been to Paris for years,” I responded. “And you know how I love Paris, and that’s where we first consummated our relationship.”

“Consummated?”

“Had sex,” I explained.

“I know what consummated means, Bannon,” Landen began walking down the stairs, which was slightly more difficult than usual since Shoned had parked herself on the step and was staring at us, waiting.

“Than what was the problem? Why the question?”

“Don’t pet her when she’s on the stairs, or we’ll never get down. I questioned because we didn’t consummate our relationship in Paris,” Landen said, matter-of-factly.

“Yes, we totally did,” I replied. “In that hotel overlooking Notre Dame and the Latin Quarter.”

Landen shooed Shoned down the stairs and we continued towards the door. “You’re right,” I smiled. Landen ignored me and continued. “We did have sex in the Britannique Hotel.”

“See, I told you,” I said as I opened the door for Shoned. She quickly bounded outside, jumped down the porch and headed straight for the leaf pile.

“But that’s not where we consummated our relationship.” We sat down on the porch chairs. “When we went to Paris for Christmas we had only been dating for like a month, we decided that we weren’t going to have sex yet.”

“I’m familiar,” I replied.

“And remember, we stayed in that hostel in the 20th district. Where all the hookers were picking up tricks.”

“Ok, yeah, I remember that,” I said. “So if it wasn’t in Paris, where were we?”

“Inishmore.” Landen looked at me. “How could you forget?”

“I remember,” I responded. “I just thought we’d been together before that.”

“It was March and we left school on Friday and went to Galway. Saturday morning we took the ferry onto Inishmore. That night we were watching the sun set over the ocean, saw the seals playing, and then went back to the hotel.”

“And consummated our relationship,” I finished the sentence.

“Well, it was slightly more than just consummating our relationship.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “See, I remember the first time we made love, and I remember Inishmore, I just thought they were different.”

“Well, we’d been sleeping the same bed for a while,” Landen added. “Even on the first trip to Paris. So that might have confused you.”

“Yes, that must be what it was,” I said. There was a pause as we both watched Shoned bound her way around the yard. She picked up a stick and began shaking her head.

“Do you think that hurts her?” Landen finally asked.

“I wouldn’t imagine that she’d do it if it hurt,” I replied. I got up from my chair and sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. He put his hands on the small of my back and pulled me closer to him.

“What’s this for?”

“No reason,” I responded absently. I leaned forward and kissed him. “I love you. No other reason.”

“I love you too.” He averted his eyes to the street and released his right hand.

“What was that for?” I asked.

“Just waving to Barbara, Thomas and Nancy.”

Chapter Two: Caught Between A Fence and A Leaf Pile

“You know, Bannon,” Landen called from the yard, “you could come out and help me.” He had been raking leaves all morning while I sat, curled on one of our flower cushioned white wicker rocking chairs, drinking from the coffee laden oversized mug cupped between my two hands and watching him.

“I know,” I replied, right before taking another sip. “But then I wouldn’t get to watch you work. Besides, I’m in my pajamas still.”

“It’s almost eleven,” Landen said as he took the shirt he had tucked in the waistband of his jeans and wiped his forehead.

“What’s your point?” I asked as I bite my left thumb’s fingernail. “I had a rough week.”


“You certainly had no problem waking up with me this morning.” Landen replied as he returned to raking up the maple and apple tree leaves that covered the grass he had cut the previous weekend.

“You rustle a lot when you get up, I can’t help that.” I pushed back my cuticles. “We need one of those beds that don’t spill wine when you bounce on them.” I watched Landen’s deltoids flex and relax as he raked the right side of the lawn to the left. As he was passing the porch, he slipped the rake under the leaves and flicked them up to where And The Sun Shone Down That Morning and I were sitting. Shoned, the more familiar name for our basenji, yodeled playfully and leapt off the porch and ran around Landen’s legs. As a note, we are aware of the improper grammarness of her name, but with her full name being And The Sun Shone Down That Morning, we didn’t see anything wrong with the name Shoned. Besides, there’s a certain level of humor to the name “Shoned”.

“See, that’s what you get,” I laughed, “attack of the killer Shoned. And now you have to sweep up the porch, too.”

Landen shot me a glance. He looked at Shoned and looked at me again. He had a smirk on his face. Shoned ran up the porch and barked as best she could and danced around my feet. The second I looked down at her, Landen threw a pile of leaves onto the porch as Shoned continued to yodel and chirp. Looking up at Landen, I brushed the leaves out of my hair and off my clothing. Shoned continue to prance around my feet.

“Now my clothes are all dirty,” I whined, looking at Landen, pouting.

“Oh, is my baby all dirty?” Landen replied in his “Mother-Talking-To-Her-Three-Year-Old” voice.

“No,” I said, still brushing the leaves off my clothes. “My clothes, and your mind, are dirty. Shoned. Maul.” I pointed at Landen. Shoned looked at my arm, tilted her head, and turned and looked at Landen. She leapt off the porch with a happy yodel and chased after Landen as he ran around the yard. I walked off the porch, finally getting the leaves off my clothing, and out of my hair. I picked up the rake that Landen had dropped on the ground when Shoned came after him. Dipping it in the pile that Landen had spent such time making, I repaid Landen with a shower of leaves when he ran by with Shoned nipping at his heels. The leaves and dirt stuck, as anticipated, to his sweaty chest and face. Landen grabbed the handle of the rake, using it to pull me to him. I stumbled slightly, partly because of the force of the movement and partly because Shoned darted under my legs in the process. Landen tossed the rake into the pile of leaves, which seemed counterproductive, though given the recent throwing of leaves, a rake in the mix hardly seems to be a major problem. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed me against him.

“Your sweaty,” I said as the sweat and dirt mingled between his body and my shirt. “And dirty.”

He leaned forward and kissed me. And of course I kissed him back. Shoned tilted her head at both of us and cooed quietly.

You know that feeling you get when someone is watching you? Even with your eyes closed, you can still feel it. Trust me. We opened our eyes at the same time, stopped kissing and turned our heads to the right, well, my right, his left. Sure enough, there were three people standing there watching us from the sidewalk. We separated. Two of them, who I would guess were a couple given their blah, almost matching clothes, nervously averted their eyes. The second woman, third person, who carried a brown, leather attaché case, and was wearing a smart, if boring, navy suit, skirt combo, didn’t seem phased by the public display of affection. I’ve yet to really understand how clothing can be considered “smart,” but I really have no other word to describe it, so smart it is. And technically, it wasn’t public, given the fact that we are on our own property and they were the ones lurping around.

“Hi,” the businesswoman broke the ice. “My name’s Nancy Walker.”

Landen wiped his hand on his shirt and shook her hand over the fence. “Yeah, I recognize you from the realtor sign. I’m Landen Brinks, this is my boyfriend Bannon Chase.” I half waved and bit the right side of my lip.

“These are the Keatings, Barbara and Thomas.” She waved at the couple, the woman first and then the man, to emphasize which was Barbara, and which was Thomas in case we needed it.

“You’re Irish? Or your name is, I guess that doesn’t mean you are.” Uncomfortable pause. “Bannon and I met in Ireland.” He reached his hand out. The couple crept forward and quickly shook it. Landen snapped his left hand and I sidled forward and shook their hands.

“It’s not contagious,” I mumbled.

“Excuse me?” Thomas replied, confused.

“Nothing,” Landen said, glare-smiling at me. “House hunting?”

“They’re interested in 1630.”

“That’s a nice house,” Landen continued. “Lots of room. Do you have kids?”

“Not yet,” Barbara responded.

“Still practicing?” Landen winked. I stifled a chuckle, and a bit of a gag at the thought of that activity.

“Um, well, um,” Barbara began, blushing. Thomas continued looking at the ground.

“Sorry,” Landen quickly said. “Not really my business. Forget I asked. Just trying to be funny.”

“You’re rambling,” I whispered to him.

“That dog is the cutest thing ever,” Nancy exclaimed, emphasizing the word ever, leaning over the fence. Shoned tilted her head and raised what would have been her eyebrows if dogs had eyebrows. “What is he?”

“She’s a basenji,” I replied.

“She’s adorable, what’s her name?”

“And The Sun Shone Down That Morning,” I replied.

Nancy, Barbara and Thomas looked at us.

“It’s her AKC name,” Landen explained.

“And you say that every time you call her?” Thomas asked.

“No, of course not. We call her Shoned.” I nodded agreement with Landen.

“You do know that Shoned…” Barbara knowingly began.

“Yes, we do,” I responded. “But we like it. It’s funny.”

“Why is improper grammar funny?” Barbara asked.

“I don’t know,” I retorted. “Why are most sitcoms considered funny? Personal preference.”

“Easy, honey,” Landen whispered.

“Well,” Nancy spoke up in possibly the chirperest, make my head want to explode voice I’d ever heard. “I just wanted to introduce them the some of the potential new neighbors and since you two were out here, I thought it’d be nice if you got to talk for a bit.”

I smiled and raised my eyebrows.

“It was lovely to met you both, well, all three of you,” Landen said reaching his hand back over the fence to get in a second shaking. “Hopefully we’ll get to see you around soon.”

“Yes,” Thomas said. “Hopefully.” I noticed that he was much quicker with the handshakes this time. I leaned forward and shook hands with both Barbara and Thomas.

“Sorry,” Nancy mouthed as she shook my hand. I smiled and raised my eyebrows again.

“Good luck, with the whole house buying thing,” Landen called after them as they walked down to 1630. He turned and looked at me. I could tell that within his mouth he was twirling his tongue over his teeth. “They seemed nice.”

“We need a taller fence.”